Saturday, 28 February 2015

OMG....You will never guess who called me last nyt....NO WAY!!

People from my past crawling back one by one in2 my life....mmmmmmm....woooow!!..
1st the this guy!!!

So I was chilling in my bed last nyt enjoying my 'me time' as usual and all of a sudden my phone rings. It was an international number from a country I once lived in. So I pick up and I'm like 'hello'...the caller says 'hello this is *inserts name*...I immediately went in2 shock mood....I was like 'which *inserts name* is this'?.. and by then I already recognized the voice.
As if by default I hung up..........
My phone rang again....
Me: hello
Caller: Hello its *inserts name*..
Me: oh network issues...sorry
Caller: no problem..
Me: woooooooooooooooooow....watsup? been a while! How r u? How did u get my number?
He went on to explain that he collected it from a mutual friend of ours who he ran into. We exchanged the hellos and did a lil catching up. Well all in all he said that he was coming 2 Naija and thot we shud hook up since he will be in my town for a while. So I'm like 'ooooooookkkkkkkk'! *side eye* totally weird!!
Its been like wat? 7yrs or so? And dis nigga just calls like we last saw yesterday....OMG!!

I'm still in shock you know cos I decided 2 bring this guys's matter here wen I started this blog and he JUST decided 2 call out of the blues...just like dat? *screams*. Now who wud have thot?

I doubt I'll hook up like he says wen he comes 2 naija....I don't know...I'll keep it open....hold up now....hold way in hell am I going 2 have 'anything' to do with a dumbass that disvirgined me without knowing....Oh Hell Noooo!!

I think I'm going to ask him the 'almighty question'.....if he is aware that he disvirgined me or not..... I just feel like I need closure on that issue...lmao...I don't want to be assuming jooor...I'll just point blank drop the question on him..thats if I have the

I'll let u guys know how it all goes down sha...

Till my next post....

Thursday, 26 February 2015

The Houseboy

I just ran in2 a guy I met about a couple of years ago or so and I just had 2 share his story with u guys.

Story story...storyyyyyyyyyyy....

So I was at Slot that year 2 get my phone repaired (can I mention how Slot charges crazy prices 2 repair phones which will most likely scatter the next day and when you take it back they request for more money.....bloody thieves!) 

Anywayszzzz, this guy who I noticed kept staring at me decided 2 finally approach me on my way out.
Just by the look of him, I could tell he was some kind of a Gym fanatic...he had rock-hard biceps, thick and I could tell some 6 pacs were hidden somewhere underneath his shirt...he was dark skinned and abt my height or a few inches shorter. I was really impressed and all. He asked 4 my number and begged 2 call me the next day after work.

After work the next day he called and asked to take me out for a drink and I said ok. He said he wud pick me up at a certain spot and described the car he was in...a black Range my mind I'm like okkkkk.....nice 'bod', cool and a nice ride 2 go with it...not bad at all! (1st time we met I didn't see him in any ride cos I had to leave before him). 

So I get 2 the spot...saw the ride as described and made my way 2 the passenger's side only 2 see this guy on the passenger seat with another macho hunky guy seated in the driver's seat. I just jejely retreated 2 the back seat. Did I mention how I hate when a guy brings a Tag-Along (TA) on a 1st date? annoying!! Not just any TA but one that owns the ride used 4 the date! It means that the TA can decide 2 leave with his ride at anytime during the date and my date and I will have to trek or jump bike or bus, keke or he might just have to give me a piggy back ride when its time 2 leave..*smh*.
I wasn't impressed one bit....but I took a deep breath and continued with the date. Now this TA was very good looking and smelt of money. My date was kinda quiet through out the ride and the TA was the talkative one, chatting me up and even flirting. It was really a weird situation 2 say the least. 
TA was the one that decided where we went to for drinks and you could tell he was the nigga 'incharge'.. as in Oga tinz!

We get to the spot and guess wat? My mumu of a date ran off to adjust our table in such a way that it wud suit us while the TA stood aside playing with his Iphone... my date then pulled out TA's chair for him to sit, handed him the menu when the waiter brought it and let TA decide what we were having. The guy didn't even pull my chair out for me to sit......can u imagine??? Even a dummy would know by now that my date was a HOUSEBOY

This was totally new to me cos normally, I always date the BOSS not the houseboy....I'm used to the house boys tagging along and attending to all my needs while the Boss pampers me and all.....but in this situation, I felt like the 'Gateman's wife'....chai!! life! *smh*
As if the embarrassment wasn't enough, when the drinks arrived my date sharpily stood up to open drinks, he didn't even open mine 1st, he picked up TA's and opened it and to my greatest surprise proceeded to pour out TA's beer for him into a glass cup b4 handing it over to him.....OMG!! *shiverrrrrsssss*
I just sat in amazement and looked on........ 
Through out this date TA would send my date 2 the car or 2 get the waiter or some random errand like dat....I even started thinking that maybe my date brought me as a prize token for TA bcos TA was trying 2 have a full blown conversation with me while my date quietly sat back...buhahaahhahaha...I can't deal.........lmao.........seriously???
Well I endured it cos hell I needed the free drinks and a bit of relaxation after a long day at work.... know-amin??
So that date ended there and then.......phewww....

Fast forward to 2day, I was about to enter a shop I normally buy Philippine series from and a guy in a ride was hollering at me, I turned and he pointed for me to please come...not wanting to be rude cos ppl were everywhere....I made my way to the ride cos I thought it might be one of my relatives or friends and the only way I wud really see the face in the car was if I go closer cos I'm short sighted and all. Did I mention that the person hollering at me was in d back seat? Ok .......*not OgaTinz kinda back seat ooo*......
I approach the car and it was my former mumu date from way back when.....I pretended like I didn't know him and said hi...after much hesitation he said he would call me after they pack the car assuming I still remembered him from way back. I said ok and quickly switched off my fone and disappeared. No way!

Ladies and gentlemen...the front seats of the car were occupied by none other than Mr TA himself and a babe........ with my former date at the back seat like a timid child...TYPICAL!!!!
I'm sure he had to plead and beg TA before he even stopped the ride 2 holler at me in the first in ehhhhhhh!!

A houseboy that hasn't upgraded in almost 2years got no potentials in my book I'm afraid!!


P.s- this was supposed to be part of my awkward dates posts but I guess it skipped my mind!

Till my next post........

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

My 1st 'interview' experience......''The Americana''

I actually saw this one advertised in the 1st copy of the Guardian newspaper i'v ever bought in my entire life some weeks ago (I'm not a newspaper kinda girl)... It said something in the line of ''Customer service/Telemarkers earn a starting salary of 90k per month. No experience required as training will be provided...come with a copy of your CV and the address was stated with a telephone number''...(a begger really has no choice abi?)...
Now the Company name wasn't stated on the advert so I really had nothing to I called one of the numbers attached and a lady picked up. I asked for the company name and she hesitated before saying I should just come in the next day between 10-12pm...I requested the company's name again and she mumbled something I didn't hear. I sha didn't want to persist and just made up my mind to go see what it was all about since I have previous Customer Service and telemarketing job experiences from my part time jobs selling Double glazing in the University.

I picked out a nice top and skirt, polished my shoes, adjusted my CV to suit the position requested and reminded myself of the roles required for the position.

I woke up bright and early the next day and off I went, all the while crossing my fingers and hoping it wasn't a waste of my time.

Their office space was in some kind of Plaza outlet but everything seemed Ok on entering their allocation. I met about 6 other people seated and waiting for the same interview....I eyed my competitors and thought they gat nada on me babey! Nothing!
I signed in and seated 2 wait my turn. As I sat, I immediately caught sight of fresh thighs in front of me...they were that of the receptionist. This babe wore a gadamnnn mini skirt with some razz top and heels....I was embarrassed for her...obviously this company had no policy regarding appearance if this sight is supposed to represent a 1st impression for the company. Not only was her skirt way high above her knees but the make up and hair was story for another my invisible rating score board I marked the company 4/10 based off of 1st impression.

Anywayzzzz, it came my turn and I was shown in to a lady wearing about 16 bundles on full wavy human hair...must be a competition up in this joint mehn!!
So I immediately started selling my self as per person wey get plenty experience and needs no interview but an acceptance letter sharpily.....*slow down Realness...slowwww dowwnnnn now!

The lady with the fizzy hair explained that they are a Telemarketing company and blah blah blah....So basically...this job wasn't actually a was a training programme!! The company actually trains you to become a telemarker with a course that runs for 2 weeks after which you get a certificate and a 100% job guarantee in companies such as MTN, Glo...telecom companies sha..*yimu*
She kept on emphasizing on the fact that the company brings in 'American' expertraites to do the training and the 'Americans' will teach you how to speak with an American accent...buhahahahaa. chai! I immediately burst out laughing..I cudnt hold it in yoooo..she had a look like 'what is this bitch laughing at'? I calmed my self down and asked why a Nigerian company would want ppl with American accent manning their will an average Nigerian understand what da bloody hell I'm saying in a 'American accent'? If they wanted to teach an accent or shud probably be 'pidgin English or Igbo, Yoruba or Hausa' so that the common Nigerian will easily understand...lmaooooo. Of cos she had no answer for seriously? Was the 'American' this and that supposed to impress me? Was that their selling point?....ignorance!!!

The lady then turns her laptop for me to read through more info on the my mind I was like, what is it I have to read that you haven't told me already ehhhhh?...mmmmm...So I'm reading and reading and seeing numbers of trainees they've had and their success stories and what was actually right up my alley...just 2weeks training and a!

So I scroll down to the final page and BAM!!...the 'catch'...
See ehhh...I know there was no way in hell getting a job could be this easy...I was already settling my mind that patapata it wud be a marketing which I'll just say 'thank you' and walk away....I will make a terrible Marketer...I lack the patience for such and I can't imagine kissing filthy asses just 2 meet a target...hell, I can't even convince myself to do a lot of things not 2 talk of someone marketing was really a no no for sir! I digress....

So the last page had a fee ladies and gentlemen...N73,000 for 2 weeks training plus a certificate worth another N10,000 in order to be '100% guaranteed a job'
She must have noticed my expression which she must have been used to seeing by now on faces reacting to that 'last page' she quickly added that for today alone I'm only required to pay N43,000 as a promo that ends today...trained by 'Americans'......uuuhhh laaalaaa!!.....mayb she was expecting me 2 breathe a sigh of relief seeing as she just saved me a whooping 30k and 

So that wud be N53,000 (+10k certificate fee) as opposed to the initial 83k....*cue in 'jumping 4 joy' emoji*...yimuest!

Collecting money from an umemployed person instead of offering it.......

What did I decide 2 do next?
Oya wait I'll be back with a reply.....*snooze fest*....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Till my next post.........

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

My job hunting experience so far....

So since my wicked employers decided it was time I become a worthless sacrifice to Boko Haram, I decided to save my pretty head oooo jare.......patapata I'll use my little savings 2 start hawking pure water, car charger or cleaning wind shields in traffic...

Well i'v fully embarked on my job hunting expidition and thus far i'v registered to job sites for help. 
Let me tell u ehhhh...its a whole different ball game when someone who has been in employment for years suddenly isn't anymore. It took me a couple of days to recuperate. 
1st...waking up in the mornings and staying home for days and days is driving me bonkers. Feels like the twitching and convulsion will soon set in and all....gooooshhhh!!.

So iv been buying Tuesday Guardian newspaper and sourcing out jobs suitable for me. There are the ones that will ask for you to send your qualifications and blah blah to a certain number for an instant job....*rolling my eyes*

Of cos I now know better than I did since I started job hunting. About 70% of jobs i'v applied for happen to send me texts within 24hours inviting me to come for a briefing or training at so and so location the next day...some will even go as far as congratulating me on my immediate job offer and excellent salary package..*as per President's daughter that I am...getting special treatment tinz*........*yimu*
Infact let me copy and paste samples of texts I get...........

**You have been shortlisted for a post of UNIT MANAGER in MPG Resources @ 161, Ikorodu Rd, Onipanu B/Stop Opposite Eco Bank on Fri. 06/02/15 by 9AM. CAREER 0131** 

**M.G.Resources invites you for an Aptitude test/briefing@ 161,Ikorodu rd,Onipanu B/stop.Beside Lanre Shittu Motors,FRI,20/02/15 by 9am,08033033399**


**You are invited for an interview with MRC on Wed. 11/2/15, by 2pm at 2nd floor, 343 Agege Motor Road, Challenge B/Stop Mushin Lagos. Adm:UN003C/HR:08185117920 **

Being a novice in job hunting in Naija, I screamed for joy the first time I got one of these texts (the 1st one I pasted)...infact I started announcing that I had an interview to attend the next day for a post of Unit in I was feeling like the chosen one....imagine applying one time and getting interview the next day..*pops collar....big girlz tinzzz...holla*

So being that nobody had ever heard of the company that sent me the text and I needed directions to the location of my million dollar job, I decided to call the phone number attached to the text for directions and all..
A guy picked the call sounding like I woke him from his slumber. I told him I got a text from this number and needed to know the kind of company it was as I have filled a lot of applications, some I cant even remember. The guy hesitated and told me to just be there tomorrow as long as I got the text. I persisted but he kept dodging the question, so I hung up. All my excitement just fizzled out and something told me things weren't adding up...reputable companies wudnt send you these kind of text messages in the 1st I decided to try my bestie 4 life 'google'. I searched the mentioned company and voila! All I saw was Scam Scam Scam!!! I clicked on the one associated with Nairaland and got all the answers I was looking for. There was already a thread going on where novices like me pasted the exact same text and asked if it was real and just like that all my hope was a confam cry baby that I am, I took a couple of minutes to shed tears...oh how embarrasing......the thread on Nairaland confirmed such texts were scams. There was even a text that required I bring N1000 along to the briefing. 

I'm really grateful for the internet and my darling google. Infact immediately I get an email or text for and interview now i'm straight onto google to check out the company and its authenticity before I dare make a move..

So my brothers and sisters ehhhhh...its really an eye opener for me in this job hunting phase. I'm still learning.

P.s- In order not 2 make this post a novel, I'll just break down my job hunting experiences ranging from the interviews iv attended so far and the Alhajis from connections i made from my previous  job asking 2 pay money in2 my account to come for a visit and discuss my job issue...buhahahahahahahhah...I can't deal yoooo...

P.p.s- incase you are wondering how I got my previous job without hunting...let's just say it was practically dropped on my lap.......this time OYO is my case.

 Till my next post...

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Guess what!!

Been years I know! lol

A lot... and I mean a loooooooottttt has happened within this past week...mmmmm......

Where do I start?.....and NO neither Dan nor Ken took me to the North Pole to propose with the biggest rock ever liveth....No...none of that happened me mates....wud have been nice thou but no...didn't happen. Sorry 2 disappoint you guys o jare!

So the monitoring spirits and 'bad belles' from my village are finally making progress...chai! They have almost succeeded ooooooo. They have probably discovered a high ranking Native Doctor somewhere, provided him with one of my panties on request which he then sniffed before dipping in a clay pot full of juju herbs and spiders amidst chants....and guess what? luckily worked!!...chai...I am finished ooooooo!!

Story story storyyyyyyyyyy....

So I went to work the other day and I got a letter!!....Hold Up..wait a minute....NOT a love letter seeing as Valentines day is right around the corner....nope!

My sisters and Brothers I got a TRANSFER LETTER...

You are probably wondering by now why I'm acting all these drama seeing that I'm a single babe with no kids to take care of or a husband's chest to what's the big deal in being transferred sef? least you will enjoy your freedom abi? Well if those were your line of thoughts then you are thinking very well my dear BUT there is more. Now if I was transferred to Calabar or where else is far sef?...mmmm..*thinking* Benue state?...well u sha catch my drift...if it was somewhere like those places, I'll probably get ready in 5mins and zoom off to the airport with a spring in my step...oh yessss!

But I was transferred to the NORTH....yeh you read that right. I'm not talking abt Kano or some other safe zones (is Kano even safe sef?) but I was transfered to the heart of Boko Haram. One of the main states that has been and still is under attack...*rolling eyes*...oya tell me this is not the work of my enemies? *smh* It just has to be...there is an invisible hand in all this...chai! Or wait...did I offend any Oga at the top? But then again it can't be that bcos majority of us were affected....

See ehhhhh...I don't have skills in dodging bombs ooooo....I don't!

On this note I leave you to digest this info abeg...its not fair jor!

Till my next post...