Monday, 23 March 2015

A lil Something

Just dropped by to say how very shameful it is of me to abandon my blog for this long.....Realness you shud be totally ashamed of yourself!!...I apologize...really I do..*inserts pity pity face smiley*

A lot of changes are happening with sorting out work and all and I have been up and about its craaazzzzzzy!! I haven't been able to have a breather...believe that.

Will get back 2 blogging before you know it.

Till my next post.....

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

My Neighbour Is A Vampire

So I've sort of been monitoring this guy 4 a while now before drawing my conclusion.

See ehhhhh....there are some nights I don't sleep heavily or Im awake watching a movie or reading a book till dawn thats how im able to notice this guy's routine..... just to clarify that im not a

Ok let's say they 'take light' around that kind 11pm...this my Neighbour (Tenant) is up within 5 seconds fiddling with his padlock and proceeds to turn on his Generator (Gen)...I hear him clearly cos my room faces his apartment.They then 'bring light' say 11:20pm...he is up within seconds again to change over and turn off the Gen.They take light again say 11:25pm...guy is up to put the Gen back this stage its quite understandable cos it isnt so late and all.
On some days NEPA will be 'dilly dallying'...taking and bringing light at about 30secs intervals...still this guy will be up to either change over/turn off or put the Gen back on....gaddamn!!...I mean who da hell does that?
This whole on and off of the Gen goes on through out the night till the morning....phewww!!
Ok now tell me when this guy actually closes his damn eyes to sleep at I have no other choice but to conclude that he is a VAMPIRE!

*Maybe he even sucks blood in the privacy of his apartment sef...who knows?*

Did I also mention that he has to walk a distance to where his Gen is?...*nods head*....yes u heard right.

*or could it be he's a sleep-walker?...mmmmmmmm.....ohhh I don't knowwwwww*

There are times when I listen out for other ppl's Gen to also come on at odd hours but nope!..only this Vampire is up and abt making trips 2 his Gen and back.
The guy sef surely isn't scared of the dark or the fact that one 'ojuju calabar' will even come and catch him on one of his wa oooooo!!
Any time I don't hear the familiar shuffling to turn on his Gen then I know the guy has traveled or slept out that day.

Another thing is how this guy even knows when they bring light in the first place while he is asleep...there is the sound of that siren that goes off wen they bring light but Gen noise usually muffles the siren sound and a person fast asleep will hardly hear it...
Or is it that he installed that bulb that comes on when there is light in his bedroom?...the thing tire me ooo!

Mehn....that guy is really something else sha...not sleeping at night must be affecting him big time during the day.

Or beta still he shud just employ a personal Generator guy 2 do the on/off thingy for him or have they invented an automatic sensor thing that detects when NEPA brings or takes light and automatically notifies the Gen to come on or go off...or am I just jonzing?....the thing is so annoying abeg!!

Till my next post..... 

Saturday, 7 March 2015

My Husband and Kids

The lady that I usually buy Chicken from thinks I'm married with kids and I neva correct her.....why shud i? ...buhahahaha...lordy lord!.

When I go 2 buy Full Frozen Chicken from her and ask her to leave the Chicken Waist 'whole' instead of cutting it into 2 pieces... she always smiles and teases me that 'mmmmmm madam... always taking care of Oga...this your Oga dey enjoy oo'... thats assuming that I leave the waist un-cut for my darling 'husband' per good wife tinz....*yimu*. 

She doesn't know that the Chicken Waist is my fav part of the chicken (including the bumbum ofcos) I always leave that part big and whole so that I can demolish it seeing as I love things meaty.........husband ko...husband ni...lmao

She then proceeds to ask after my kids and I always chuckle and say 'oh my babies are fine my dear'..lolz.......dont worry im not spoiling my market...i highly doubt a Chicken Seller is capable of hooking me up with an eligible man....abi? I just love the thrill of our conversation is all.

You would think the fact that Im never wearing a ring weneva she sees me wud give her a hint that I aint married... but I guess dats cos a lot of married ppl don't even bother with rings anyway esp on a Sunday morning running errands sharpily.........that reminds me.....I need to do a post on 'Sunday Morning Market tinz' soon...aaaaaahhhhhhh yes!  
When I go 2 buy wings at Chicken Republic or chops at any Fastfood and I order a lot, I usually pass a comment abt how my babies love wings and how they will so be a bother without their cakes or pies...all dat just 2 cover up the fact that the excess food I'm buying is really just for one person...lmao.....yeh yeh yeh....I'm guilty!!!. Its not like anyone cares to know oooo but its just my guilty 'conco' (conscience) on overdrive *covers face*...

Iv been told its good to claim what you this is me claiming a wonderful Husband and Kids ooooo abeg...

Till my next post.......

Friday, 6 March 2015

Let's Talk Politics

Let's NOT!!!.......

Politcs is a BORE for me I'm afraid!


Till my next post......

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Some Dark Skinned Ladies Seriously Need To Take A Chill Pill...

Let me bash Dark Skinned Ladies (DSL) for once since some of them are always quick to blab abt Light Skinned Ladies (LSL) and their feeling of being superior!

'Some' Dark Skinned Ladies always play the victims when it comes to skin preference. Me I see it the other way round.

I feel Light Skinned Ladies are the real victims here!....yeh you heard ryt!!

Everywhere you hear 'insecure' DSL moaning and sulking that guys prefer light skinned babes just cos of the colour of their skin blah blah blah...oh plsssssss....its getting real boring...yawnsssssssss...

Some DSL with crazy low self esteem go as far as saying the typical....' Oh all LSL bleach' or ' they wudnt even be pretty one bit if they were dark skinned'....gooosh!!...really?

Why do DSL turn up their noses at LSL and even go as far as bashing? Besides the fact that sum ignorant females bleach..there are still a lot of naturally light skinned ones who inherited the skin colour from their ancestors abeg...whose fault is dat??.*smh*

So DSL.... I say enough of trying 2 make urselves feel better by picking on LSL just bcos that's what ignorant men prefer...why not go ahead and bash the men then and leave LSL alone 4 goodness sake! 

What's the fuss abt DSL and LSL sef? I have seen the blackest of babes happily Spoken For without a care in the world.....

DSL abeg all your soppy..pity pity stories needs to STOP! Throw ur insecurities out the window...'Beauty isn't graded by Skin Colour' you hear?...make person hear word!

Which one is now the #TeamLightskin vs #TeamDarkSkin again??....very laughable...lmao *speak 2 the hands*


Till my next post.....

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

The Cat Fish Battle

See ehhhhh...I used to 'carry last' when it came to eating Catfish with other people at an Eat-Out....I'm not talking abt Catfish pepper soup ooooo...I'm talking grilled Catfish...the type they prepare at joints with chips and coleslaw wrapped in a foil.......yes that type.
But I can sha craze for that fish ehhhhh...chai!..especially the 'head'..all the soft bones and juicy-yummy-goodness cooked up in the fish head....chaiiiii...OMG!

Anywayzzzz...when i'm hanging out and there's a automatically means the Catfish ration will be shortened...the thing can like to so vex me ehhhh and since each person can't order a fish 2 him/herself cos one person can't finish a whole one...we have no choice but 2 share.

Before before I used to do 'ajeburra' a.k.a 'too much forming' when the sizzling fish arrives...I wud normally start by picking and nibbling on the chips (that was wen I was still a leaner)....before u say Jack...half the fish is gone and I end up eating absolutely nothing cos the other grubbidos have devoured everything....these ppl don't even pause to chew and swallow before digging in again..once they fill their mouths, their fingers are back in for the next take....mstchewwwww!!

On one of such occasions, one of the guys pulled me aside and whispered a handy advice to me on how to tackle this whole Cat fish debacle.....he said 'Realness sweetie...shy matter no dey when it concern fish ....no1 cares how seductive you look chewing on the chips or how long you pause in btwn takes....infact they are glad you aint shortening their ration my dear'.....

So my dear brethren those days are well behind me. I have thrown all caution 2 the damn wind and made away with my 'shyness' or is it 'buttiness'?.....mehn iv decided 2 always win me a Catfish battle o jare.

Once the fish arrives like this ehhhh...I mark my territory by sitting up and opening the fish to allow air enter and cool it off (cos its usually oh so sizzling hot)...while I'm in this act...I'm preventing the other grobbidos from touching that particular area. Once I'm done opening up the fish (in a matter of seconds ofcos)...the digging in starts...I do the '3 in 1'...that is combining the Fish, Chips and Coleslaw I sha make sure I eat 2 my satisfaction...fuck whoeva's watching...iv been slacking for 2 long... now is my time 2 shine!

Disassembling the Catfish head is the best part for me...sucking on all the juice and yumminess ehhhhhh....*shivers* damn yummy...mmmmmm.

P.s- i only battle with the fish head when im in the midst of trusted certain kind of people. People i know are not capable of pouring sand sand in my garri....those that are used to taking my embarrassments and vice versa....u get me??

Till my next post..........

Sunday, 1 March 2015

My Beef with the Almighty 'Red Velvet Cake'

I don't know if you know this by now but Google is my BFF (Best Friends Forever), Best Buddy...Bestie...yeh we roll like that!

Why am I claiming Google? Bcos its just so efficient and it made getting proof for this my beef sooooo easy.

See ehhhhh, Iv always wandered what makes Red Velvet Cakes (RVC) so special that it makes Aa lot of people go gaga

Don't get me wrong, I love cakes....any kind actually, as long as it doesn't have those annoying Raisins or Fresh Fruits in/on them......Raisins are so are Mince Pies! *shudders* 

So i decided to google RVC recipe and compared at least 10 of them to find out what could possibly make RVC so distinct in taste from any plain o'l cake. The recipe was the usual cake ingredients..flour, eggs, milk, sugar...blah blah surprises there.. 

And then there's the 'Red colouring'!

Ok now I noticed the mixture of 'Cocoa Powder' and 'Vanilla flavour' in some recipes but that surely doesnt still restrict such a combination to just the RVC cos anyone can easily combined the Cocoa Powder and Vanilla without adding the red colouring and it wud still taste just like the RVC since the 'Red olouring' has NO taste!.........Shey u guys get me?

Its just like using a Pink or Blue colouring in cake batter and calling it 'Pink Turnup cake' or 'Blue bae cake'...the only remarkable difference being the colours while they both taste exactly the same.
People make it seem like there's a distinct taste assigned to just RVCs. Cake colourings arnt 'flavours' so they have NO taste unlike Chocolate or Strawberry flavours for example which actually have distinct tastes. Since there's no such thing as a 'Red Velvet Flavour' then wat makes it unique besides the colour?........grrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhh!! 

It just confuses me joor! One wud think there was some kind of Red Stuff like a fruit or vegetable that provides its tastes like a Tomato or Beet Root....

Finally, RVC is just cake with a 'Red colour' and there's the cream frosting which can be used on any other kind of cake.

Ok, is it the 'velvety' look of the cake?....but all cakes look velvety anyway regardless of its colour....*rolling my eyes*

Till my next post.......

Saturday, 28 February 2015

OMG....You will never guess who called me last nyt....NO WAY!!

People from my past crawling back one by one in2 my life....mmmmmmm....woooow!!..
1st the this guy!!!

So I was chilling in my bed last nyt enjoying my 'me time' as usual and all of a sudden my phone rings. It was an international number from a country I once lived in. So I pick up and I'm like 'hello'...the caller says 'hello this is *inserts name*...I immediately went in2 shock mood....I was like 'which *inserts name* is this'?.. and by then I already recognized the voice.
As if by default I hung up..........
My phone rang again....
Me: hello
Caller: Hello its *inserts name*..
Me: oh network issues...sorry
Caller: no problem..
Me: woooooooooooooooooow....watsup? been a while! How r u? How did u get my number?
He went on to explain that he collected it from a mutual friend of ours who he ran into. We exchanged the hellos and did a lil catching up. Well all in all he said that he was coming 2 Naija and thot we shud hook up since he will be in my town for a while. So I'm like 'ooooooookkkkkkkk'! *side eye* totally weird!!
Its been like wat? 7yrs or so? And dis nigga just calls like we last saw yesterday....OMG!!

I'm still in shock you know cos I decided 2 bring this guys's matter here wen I started this blog and he JUST decided 2 call out of the blues...just like dat? *screams*. Now who wud have thot?

I doubt I'll hook up like he says wen he comes 2 naija....I don't know...I'll keep it open....hold up now....hold way in hell am I going 2 have 'anything' to do with a dumbass that disvirgined me without knowing....Oh Hell Noooo!!

I think I'm going to ask him the 'almighty question'.....if he is aware that he disvirgined me or not..... I just feel like I need closure on that issue...lmao...I don't want to be assuming jooor...I'll just point blank drop the question on him..thats if I have the

I'll let u guys know how it all goes down sha...

Till my next post....

Thursday, 26 February 2015

The Houseboy

I just ran in2 a guy I met about a couple of years ago or so and I just had 2 share his story with u guys.

Story story...storyyyyyyyyyyy....

So I was at Slot that year 2 get my phone repaired (can I mention how Slot charges crazy prices 2 repair phones which will most likely scatter the next day and when you take it back they request for more money.....bloody thieves!) 

Anywayszzzz, this guy who I noticed kept staring at me decided 2 finally approach me on my way out.
Just by the look of him, I could tell he was some kind of a Gym fanatic...he had rock-hard biceps, thick and I could tell some 6 pacs were hidden somewhere underneath his shirt...he was dark skinned and abt my height or a few inches shorter. I was really impressed and all. He asked 4 my number and begged 2 call me the next day after work.

After work the next day he called and asked to take me out for a drink and I said ok. He said he wud pick me up at a certain spot and described the car he was in...a black Range my mind I'm like okkkkk.....nice 'bod', cool and a nice ride 2 go with it...not bad at all! (1st time we met I didn't see him in any ride cos I had to leave before him). 

So I get 2 the spot...saw the ride as described and made my way 2 the passenger's side only 2 see this guy on the passenger seat with another macho hunky guy seated in the driver's seat. I just jejely retreated 2 the back seat. Did I mention how I hate when a guy brings a Tag-Along (TA) on a 1st date? annoying!! Not just any TA but one that owns the ride used 4 the date! It means that the TA can decide 2 leave with his ride at anytime during the date and my date and I will have to trek or jump bike or bus, keke or he might just have to give me a piggy back ride when its time 2 leave..*smh*.
I wasn't impressed one bit....but I took a deep breath and continued with the date. Now this TA was very good looking and smelt of money. My date was kinda quiet through out the ride and the TA was the talkative one, chatting me up and even flirting. It was really a weird situation 2 say the least. 
TA was the one that decided where we went to for drinks and you could tell he was the nigga 'incharge'.. as in Oga tinz!

We get to the spot and guess wat? My mumu of a date ran off to adjust our table in such a way that it wud suit us while the TA stood aside playing with his Iphone... my date then pulled out TA's chair for him to sit, handed him the menu when the waiter brought it and let TA decide what we were having. The guy didn't even pull my chair out for me to sit......can u imagine??? Even a dummy would know by now that my date was a HOUSEBOY

This was totally new to me cos normally, I always date the BOSS not the houseboy....I'm used to the house boys tagging along and attending to all my needs while the Boss pampers me and all.....but in this situation, I felt like the 'Gateman's wife'....chai!! life! *smh*
As if the embarrassment wasn't enough, when the drinks arrived my date sharpily stood up to open drinks, he didn't even open mine 1st, he picked up TA's and opened it and to my greatest surprise proceeded to pour out TA's beer for him into a glass cup b4 handing it over to him.....OMG!! *shiverrrrrsssss*
I just sat in amazement and looked on........ 
Through out this date TA would send my date 2 the car or 2 get the waiter or some random errand like dat....I even started thinking that maybe my date brought me as a prize token for TA bcos TA was trying 2 have a full blown conversation with me while my date quietly sat back...buhahaahhahaha...I can't deal.........lmao.........seriously???
Well I endured it cos hell I needed the free drinks and a bit of relaxation after a long day at work.... know-amin??
So that date ended there and then.......phewww....

Fast forward to 2day, I was about to enter a shop I normally buy Philippine series from and a guy in a ride was hollering at me, I turned and he pointed for me to please come...not wanting to be rude cos ppl were everywhere....I made my way to the ride cos I thought it might be one of my relatives or friends and the only way I wud really see the face in the car was if I go closer cos I'm short sighted and all. Did I mention that the person hollering at me was in d back seat? Ok .......*not OgaTinz kinda back seat ooo*......
I approach the car and it was my former mumu date from way back when.....I pretended like I didn't know him and said hi...after much hesitation he said he would call me after they pack the car assuming I still remembered him from way back. I said ok and quickly switched off my fone and disappeared. No way!

Ladies and gentlemen...the front seats of the car were occupied by none other than Mr TA himself and a babe........ with my former date at the back seat like a timid child...TYPICAL!!!!
I'm sure he had to plead and beg TA before he even stopped the ride 2 holler at me in the first in ehhhhhhh!!

A houseboy that hasn't upgraded in almost 2years got no potentials in my book I'm afraid!!


P.s- this was supposed to be part of my awkward dates posts but I guess it skipped my mind!

Till my next post........

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

My 1st 'interview' experience......''The Americana''

I actually saw this one advertised in the 1st copy of the Guardian newspaper i'v ever bought in my entire life some weeks ago (I'm not a newspaper kinda girl)... It said something in the line of ''Customer service/Telemarkers earn a starting salary of 90k per month. No experience required as training will be provided...come with a copy of your CV and the address was stated with a telephone number''...(a begger really has no choice abi?)...
Now the Company name wasn't stated on the advert so I really had nothing to I called one of the numbers attached and a lady picked up. I asked for the company name and she hesitated before saying I should just come in the next day between 10-12pm...I requested the company's name again and she mumbled something I didn't hear. I sha didn't want to persist and just made up my mind to go see what it was all about since I have previous Customer Service and telemarketing job experiences from my part time jobs selling Double glazing in the University.

I picked out a nice top and skirt, polished my shoes, adjusted my CV to suit the position requested and reminded myself of the roles required for the position.

I woke up bright and early the next day and off I went, all the while crossing my fingers and hoping it wasn't a waste of my time.

Their office space was in some kind of Plaza outlet but everything seemed Ok on entering their allocation. I met about 6 other people seated and waiting for the same interview....I eyed my competitors and thought they gat nada on me babey! Nothing!
I signed in and seated 2 wait my turn. As I sat, I immediately caught sight of fresh thighs in front of me...they were that of the receptionist. This babe wore a gadamnnn mini skirt with some razz top and heels....I was embarrassed for her...obviously this company had no policy regarding appearance if this sight is supposed to represent a 1st impression for the company. Not only was her skirt way high above her knees but the make up and hair was story for another my invisible rating score board I marked the company 4/10 based off of 1st impression.

Anywayzzzz, it came my turn and I was shown in to a lady wearing about 16 bundles on full wavy human hair...must be a competition up in this joint mehn!!
So I immediately started selling my self as per person wey get plenty experience and needs no interview but an acceptance letter sharpily.....*slow down Realness...slowwww dowwnnnn now!

The lady with the fizzy hair explained that they are a Telemarketing company and blah blah blah....So basically...this job wasn't actually a was a training programme!! The company actually trains you to become a telemarker with a course that runs for 2 weeks after which you get a certificate and a 100% job guarantee in companies such as MTN, Glo...telecom companies sha..*yimu*
She kept on emphasizing on the fact that the company brings in 'American' expertraites to do the training and the 'Americans' will teach you how to speak with an American accent...buhahahahaa. chai! I immediately burst out laughing..I cudnt hold it in yoooo..she had a look like 'what is this bitch laughing at'? I calmed my self down and asked why a Nigerian company would want ppl with American accent manning their will an average Nigerian understand what da bloody hell I'm saying in a 'American accent'? If they wanted to teach an accent or shud probably be 'pidgin English or Igbo, Yoruba or Hausa' so that the common Nigerian will easily understand...lmaooooo. Of cos she had no answer for seriously? Was the 'American' this and that supposed to impress me? Was that their selling point?....ignorance!!!

The lady then turns her laptop for me to read through more info on the my mind I was like, what is it I have to read that you haven't told me already ehhhhh?...mmmmm...So I'm reading and reading and seeing numbers of trainees they've had and their success stories and what was actually right up my alley...just 2weeks training and a!

So I scroll down to the final page and BAM!!...the 'catch'...
See ehhh...I know there was no way in hell getting a job could be this easy...I was already settling my mind that patapata it wud be a marketing which I'll just say 'thank you' and walk away....I will make a terrible Marketer...I lack the patience for such and I can't imagine kissing filthy asses just 2 meet a target...hell, I can't even convince myself to do a lot of things not 2 talk of someone marketing was really a no no for sir! I digress....

So the last page had a fee ladies and gentlemen...N73,000 for 2 weeks training plus a certificate worth another N10,000 in order to be '100% guaranteed a job'
She must have noticed my expression which she must have been used to seeing by now on faces reacting to that 'last page' she quickly added that for today alone I'm only required to pay N43,000 as a promo that ends today...trained by 'Americans'......uuuhhh laaalaaa!!.....mayb she was expecting me 2 breathe a sigh of relief seeing as she just saved me a whooping 30k and 

So that wud be N53,000 (+10k certificate fee) as opposed to the initial 83k....*cue in 'jumping 4 joy' emoji*...yimuest!

Collecting money from an umemployed person instead of offering it.......

What did I decide 2 do next?
Oya wait I'll be back with a reply.....*snooze fest*....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Till my next post.........