Thursday, 11 December 2014

WEIGHTLOSS IN PREPARATION FOR MY WEDDING

Lol at my heading. Its just pure sensationalism o jare, d optimistic me talking! lol
Optimistic abt my wedding dat is..
Ok..... I DON'T weigh myself, dats cos I like 2 deceive myself a lot sometimes or I'm just plain scared of d readings I'll c on d scale . I checked my BMI on d net d other day and d annoying calculation says I'm overweight. Mstchewwwwww jor!. I'm a size 16 UK and quite tall. I actually carry my weight well but I'm still heavy mehn.. Iv always been slim all my life so I don't even know how dis weight gain happened, scratch dat, ofcos I know exactly how I added all d weight and became a confam orobo (fat ass).
Story, story, storrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......
After Uni, I got a job almost immediately. The feeling of making MY OWN money knocked me ryt off my feet (my dad funded till after Uni). I had a near orgasmic feeling wen I got my 1st full time work paycheque... The first thing I did was pay my tithe (biggest YIMU)
''YIMU" -(verb) : is an awkward movement of the lips towards the nose acknowledging that someone is jonzing.
 Buhahahahahaha oops sorry.....allow me to amuse myself jor. Okkkkkkk moving on lol, as a food analyst grobido (gluton) that I am, the first thing I did on my lunch break was to make my way to my favourite Jamaican food spot just a stone throw from my office. I jejely ordered JUST a plate of rice & peas, curry mutton and goat, jerk chicken, dumplings, a medium large size tub of red pea soup (yummiest), beef and chicken patties and a potion of potato salad only. I also got Ackee and Salt fish for later munching. Oh and a bottle of natural tropical juice (healthy stuff) 2 wash it down. And no, I wasn't buying for d whole office. *rolling my eyes* and yes I ate all of it, finito. Oh no, I didn't hav d nerve or courage to lay out my trailer load of food on a table in d restaurant with all those annoying judgemental eyes on me. Hell noooo!.. I just kukuma forced, shoved and compressed d food till it fit into my handbag b4 walking in2 d office. See ehhh my handbag is a saviour, I carry it everywr for days wen I need 2 smuggle something. Wen I got 2 d office, I briskly dashed to d leisure area at d basement b4 *Emma d agbaya and begi begi wud ask me wat I brought back for lunch, no time abegi!
Everyday was a feast, on a monday i cud hav KFC(gosh I die for chicken, be it fried, stewed, grilled, inside ofe nsala or turnt up sef lol). It cud b Chinese on Tuesday (I loooooooove Chinese food) d ribs, duck, beef, chicken in black bean sauce, egg or special fried rice, heavenly juicy chicken chow mein, *licks lips* SHIT mehn!!. Wednesday I cud hav Italian or Nandos. Thursday, indian (not d biggest fan of indian food- dat curry smell ehhh), Friday, d naija food spot close by for my jollof rice, ofada rice and sauce with correct orisirisi (asorted meat), dodo, amala and d whole 9 yards. D choice of food is in no particular day order. Oya tell me how person no go add weight, but dat was d farthest thing from my mind at dat time. Even during d weekends I wud start with a full English brreakfast with bangers, hash browns and d lot, open d restaurant section of my yellow pages or my collection of take-away menus and order away. From Pizza hut to Nandos to fish, wings or chicken and chips, to my darling and favourite Pakistani Ahmed for dat amazeballs Shish kebab with enuff garlic sauce. *licks lips* *screams in excitement* loooooorrrrrddd hamercccyyyy!!. Chai.. der is god ooooo..
My point is dat I was very much aware dat my food consumption had multiplied but I kept hoping dat it won't show on my body, meanwhile i was bursting out of my size 10 clothes. Na wa ooo!
From then till now, my weight has been a morafucking yoyo. I don't eat as horribly as i used to but I still need to shift this weight.
So I hav begun eating clean (less carbs and more protein), 2 lazy to exercise abeg, with hopes of getting down 2 a size 10-12 before my fast approaching wedding which I can sense. Its good to be hopeful na abi?
I must do dis oooo, I intend on wearing a 2 piece for my first trad marriage outing with my chiseled and toned abs visible, shaking my size 10 waist to flavour's 'Ada Ada'. Oh yesss!
I'm really serious dis time around after my many weight loss attempts and failure. *Gosh som1 needs 2 taste dis coldstone ice cream im having, yummmmm yummmmmm*
I'm determined..and I will buy a scale 2 (hope I don't go in2 convulsion wen I see d readings sha lol)
I musto do dis!!

7 comments:

  1. Lool....Okay then!....Erhm!...How do I say this nicely?...**thinking** Stop eating!!!!!! hehe...mami, if eating makes you happy...then hey!...get to it eh...Lovely read..

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  2. Lol. And she's eating coldstone o.

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  3. Chai! This is hilarious. Love ur writing style nne. Ok, back to the issue at had, drop that Coldstone icecream at once!! *corner eye*

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